it is now afterchristmas, and of course, as always, there are the afterchristmas sohappyi'msads and all of my bones get all up and upons with the hoorayness and the hurt.
i've been saving the prefall collections for now. knowing that nothing gets into my heart and pushes around the sorrow of being joyful quite like prefall. knowing i shouldn't waste it on the jumping energy of prechristmas.
i went to a party tonight where i saw people i haven't seen in too long and where two people had just got engaged and where there was a little little boy with the blondest blonde hair who just wanted the adults to 'stop sneaking up' on him. i wore the really dark purpleredwine lipstick i've been meaning to wear all holiday but have been too lazy to deal with. because i was inspired again by this. ports. and by a very good playlist.
{prefall ports 1961 2013, photos courtesy of ports 1961 by way of style.com}
oh gosh, it is just just past midnight. but today was intense! man i have over-packed! but it is too late now. just gotta roll with it.
last night awb taught me how to make rum eggnog from scratch. it was super delicious and i am very pleased with myself. also he cooked roommatesarah and i dinner which was so great and nice of him. and art videos and the internet and talking talking and the saddest songs.
and this will go into your brain and never ever come out.
i was gonna write about my total full-body empathy-sickness problem and the shooting of the small humans and the utter impotence of words right now, especially ones like 'enough' and 'change' and 'devestation' and... but then i read this onion piece and it says it all better than anything or anyone else....
so i cuddled my dog a lot and made cookies instead. because i could only throw up from complete sadness so many times. and also it is the christmas time. and who the fuck am i to think that i have any right to this nauseous cloying anger when there are 20 families that had their children murdered yesterday...
so. the cookies. then.
{and gin, too. and specialdeer for me, danny, sarah and adam.}
okay, jokes aside (HAHA RAPE!) this is a solid piece. all academic in nature. thanks thomas! it is longish, but well worth the time. there are statistics and percentages, guys! NUMBERS! and, too, some very good advice. i just want to cut-and-paste it all, but i'll try to limit myself to:
something that i'm finding terrifying and shocking as i learn more and more about rape culture is how many people i actually know who have been sexually assaulted. i always thought the list was too long when i was looking at the 'society-confirmed-rapes', but now as i think back on stories i have been told over the years... there are so many i never classified correctly. never truly appreciated the extent of damage and violence. so so many. and i shudder to think about what my reactions were when i was told about these assaults. did i listen openly or did i try to excuse the acts - try to empathize with the bad guy because, you know, he was a 'nice guy'? did i build one more tiny wall against a victim classifying her assault as just that? god i hope i didn't. but i probably did. even though there was always a banging in my gut i didn't understand. all i can do is know what i know now and never ever ever put up such a wall again. let's all be that way, okay?
sometimes (maybe around the holidays, say) do you sit in bed at night not being able to sleep and just crying happytears because the love that you have in you for the humans in your life is just too much to handle? and you think about them one by one and you're just trying to keep it together because holy holy holy god, how did you get so lucky and where on earth did they come from? and you can't, in this moment, even fathom being anything but happy and filled with love - even though you know you surely will feel sad or tired or mad or nothing soon enough, but right now it just doesn't even make sense to feel just exactly like this joyloveexplode?
one. yesterday. a 'friend' on facebook had a whiningest status about how much he hated whiney students whining about exams-and-papers stress because didn't they know the real world is harder and you don't get grades and blah blah his life is so much more stressful then theirs blah. so i thought to myself 'that is one too many whiney statuses from you!' and unfriended him.
two. today. i got to go to ballet class, watch a movie, have a little painting/drawing playtime. roommate sarah studied and studied and studied. we went out for a quick glass of wine with another law-friend. walking to the subway on this lovely not-winter-december night, i picked at my gold nail polish and sighed so happily and space-cadetedly 'sometimes don't you just love your life?!'. roommate sarah responded with '...i was just thinking about {insert law things with clauses and statutes and many complicated bits}...' haha! our brains are different.
what is the point? well. for one it is that i am very happy and lucky and my life is pretty freakin great right now. but also, it is that roommate sarah and the other laws i know are working very hard at studying and learning and writing and thinking. other students of all kinds, in fact. right now. and some days i get whiney for no good reason at all and roommate sarah doesn't even hit me upside the head and say 'STOPITSTOPIT YOU STUPID JERKFACE, YOUR LIFE IS A BREEEEEEZE!' which i think is very nice of her. to not do.
blah blah. GOOD LUCK AND GOOD WORK, students. school is hard sometimes. and i'm impressed and proud to know so many students at various levels and in various disciplines who work so hard at the thing they are doing. because they want to be better and best versions of themselves in whatever field. keep it up! you're great, guys! high fives and puppies! don't get too stressed or sad or scared or sleepy! here's a thing for you!
it is not winter here. not even close. it is barely even fall some days. yesterday? it was 12 degrees.
even though i am calling this city mine, there is still a whole lot of edmonton in my bones that i can't shake out. and those edmonton bits think that it can't be december, it can't be advent, without the cold. the snow. the crinkly-freeze-your-nosehairs-when-you-inhale kind of cold. toronto doesn't understand this cold even a little. which makes it hard for me to understand how toronto can understand christmas at all. i think it does it all wrong.
i can't wait to be home. where christmas is the realest thing. i've been spending time with wintery images to fill the hole in my winter-heart.
i've been having these extreme feelings lately. (i know, right? me? and feelings?! what even is happening?) they're good feelings, mostly. but. overwhelming. like i can't possibly get all of the goodnesses into my cells in time, and it is all just too much, and oh gosh, how will i ever get all of these insides out into the world, and if i made a million movies could i ever make a scene poignant enough to have just one person watch it and understand these bursting busting feelings?
and also i bought the melancholia soundtrack on itunes, and i've been listening to that a lot. because it feels suitably epic. for these bursting busting feelings that have me staggering and stumbling through my days.
and if you made it through that beautiful-but-very-hard video, you get to watch this video. which is different. but also very very very good.
WHY IS THIS THE MOST FUNNY THING?! it is. i don't know what wizardry they're using to make it SO FUNNY but they are pulling it off. oh man. the sofa bears.
soon you will have a day when you are feeling so many feelings. the nighttimesads and the anxietyattacks (or as aleena heard, the unsexyattacks). and when you do. remember today. remember how today is one of many practically perfect days. how you have a magical body that does magical strong things thanks to jenn, and how your friends are basically unicorns come to life and covered in sparkles, and how you probably couldn't dream up a better life than the one you are living. not really. if you're being honest about it. hold on to today.
remember when harry potter came out? and j.k. rowling explained she'd written it with a male lead knowing that girls would read a book with a male protagonist, but boys wouldn't read a book about a giiiiirrrrrrlllll. at the time i was like 'yeah, totes...'. and now i'm like 'yeah, but, EFF THAT SHIZ! CHANGE THE SYSTEM!'.
ugh, hasbro! your response is maximum lame. but that girl and her mom? awesomesauce. and that dad and his daughter? AWESOMESAUCE! these kids will be good people, i suspect. and i'm excited that they exist.
can you believe that it is mid-november? i can't. christmas is SO SOON! i was looking at concerts online, and saw a show listed for november 1st and took out my daytimer to write it down... and only then remembered that november 1st is over, silly!
there is much to be done before the christmas times. secret present-things. and some working-things. and baking-things and so much more. and for sarah and danny et al. there is a lot of learning and examing to be packed into the next few weeks. it'll be great! let's all not get sick, yeah?! yeah!!
anyways. i'm excited. super excited and pumped. for home. and snow. and baby declan who is barely even a baby anymore! when do we have to start calling him a toddler? can't he just be a baby forever? sigh. i guess we're going to need another hooper-baby soon? huh? guys? anyone??
okay well. in the last few weeks. there has been a pile more live music. there was a bar-concert where a law-friend's girlfriend played viola in a bluegrass-edged rock band. there was the wacky art-music-festival-show (part one of four!!) that introduced me to DIANA (and thus carmen elle and thus army girls...). holy mother of pearl that was fun. like all the best most funny bits of art school rolled up into one with sparkly 6 inch heels on. then there was tafelmusik with a mozart and friends program that reminded me of con hall shows and home and growing up a suzuki-ite. then army girls (as introduced above) in the middle of the week in a bar that was giving out free tacos to celebrate... something.
and there were a million (or three or four?) other parties and events. art shows. wine. dancing. moustaches. hamilton. so much joy and the holiday season hasn't even kicked in! how many times over can i say i love my life like crazy before it starts to sound like gibberish? 2012 is really pulling out all the stops as the year comes to an end. if the world does indeed explode or whatever on december 21st, at least it will have given one hell of a last hurrah. hearts abounding, hearts for days.
enough chatter. here's some army girls for you. this girl kicks butt on stage. reeeeeaaaaally good guitaring, charming as hell vocals and banter, and some solid stage-posing to boot. mad love.
i hope you're all wrapped up in goodtimes and warmth too, internets. happy monday!!
it has been a long week around here, and there have been lots of feelings what with OCIs for the law-kids and the election for the world... so now roommate-sarah and i are watching internet videos and being the most glad. we particularly enjoyed this one and thought you would too.
happy election day, united states of america! you better not mess this up or i'm gonna be one pissed off blogger. NOTHING IS WORSE THAN A PISSED OFF BLOGGER! amiright?!
it is november, and you know that means that men everywhere will be puttin' some hair on their lips for a good cause. now i can't grow a moustache (neither can my brother but we'll come back to that...) so i am instead participating in the following event to show my support:
sunday november 18th, i will be dragging any and every male i can find to dance-jump-workout their way to health both for themselves and for others. and you get cocktails after?! FOR A GREAT CAUSE??!! pretty please check it out and join me. i double dog dare you!! (you wouldn't pass on a double dog dare, would you? that would be SUPER lame.)
but if you aren't in toronto, or are a big fraidey-cat, you can always help the cause in another way. the above-mentioned brother is raising money and growing a tragedy-stash for the cause. last year his first born came into the world to that sad sad moustache, and it is only right that my nephew-declan celebrates his first birthday with an equally terrifying-faced dad. (sorry chris. but. really. you're just not made for facial-hair-growing...)
happy movember, everyone. may the moustache wax be with you. note i have intentionally spelled moustache wrong throughout, to encourage a more entertaining pronunciation. yeah? yeah. good.