i'm sorry. for the next 6 weeks

 {this woman is on a cleanse. i will not be happy and in a field and cleansing like this woman.}

DISCLAIMER POINT TIMES A MILLION! THIS IS NOT A CLEANSE! THIS IS NOT A DIET! IF YOU CALL IT A CLEANSE OR A DIET I WILL LOSE MY MIND ALL UPONS YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN SO WARNED.

starting today i will not be eating a whole pile of things that i love eating. because a naturopath told me not to. because my body is all 'uuuuh, we don't know about these things. these things make us feel like bleeeeehhhhhhhh'. (my body is not very articulate.)

i am super excited about this and also very very not excited. for one thing, i will be one of 'those' people who can't eat a lot of stuff, and therefore can't eat at a lot of restaurants, friends' houses, so on. i will be difficult. and i hate that. also, i'm not so much with the super-strength will power. and i LOOOVVVEEE food and drink. and i hate to be so limited in what i can consume.

but. then again. i have been so doubled over so many times with mysterious mystery pain from eating and drinking. and if i can live life without having to leave parties and dinner tables to cry in the bathroom... well. it'll all be worth it. for sure. it'll be good to know that not being in pain is as simple as not eating such-and-such thing. i have to go full-tilt for six weeks. no cheats. and then i can re-introduce slowly, one or two items at a time. and see if it was a temporary negative reaction my body was having (over-consumption of the same things can apparently cause this) or a full-forever reaction. me and my body. trying to talk to each other.

but i'll say one more time, sans caplocks just to be nice. this isn't a diet and it isn't a cleanse. i'm not doing this to 'detox my system' or flush out water-weight or blah blah gross-dumb. i HATE cleanses and diets. this is not a vanity project. this is me trying to not poison myself anymore. this isn't some run of the mill list of thangs. this is a specific list. that my body chose. to eliminate. if i were allergic to bees, and decided to stop getting stung by bees for a while to see if i felt better, no one would say 'oh, you're doing one of those bee-free facial skin rejuvenation plans? my aunt did that!' because people would know that not getting stung by bees when you have a bad reaction to bee stings that is slowly killing you is a GOOD idea for your health. BLAH BLAH I HATE CLEANSES!

anyways! hoping you'll be super supportive of me, and accept my pre-apology for being difficult and probably pretty whiny. here's what i can't eat!!!

fruits: banana, cantaloupe, mango, strawberry, pineapple, watermelon, avacado,

veg: carrots, cabbage, corn, mushroom, eggplant, pepper (green & red),

dairy: cowmilk, cottage cheese, cheddar cheese, 'american' cheese (ha! what?!), whey (cowmilk),

grains etc: buckwheat, malt (barley), gluten, gliaden, oat, rye, yeast (brewers), wheat bran, wheat (whole), navy bean, dill, hops, peanut, poppyseed,

fish/meat: clam, crab, lobster, shrimp, ham,

fun things: milk chocolate, MSG, superheated veg fat (deep frying), sugar (white & brown), beer, coke, wine (red & white)

 {goodbye, sweetest friends}

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! here goes. i realize that i've already messed up, cause i forgot oats were on the list and had oatmeal for breakfast. damn it! ugh. this is gonna be a hard time!